Things You Should Do Before You Die

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1)   You must go to a football (i.e. soccer) game in a country where they actually care. The energy level blows away anything as trivial as the Superbowl, NBA Finals or World Series. It’s unbelievable. The fans get drunk, sing, chant, break things and start fights-all in the name of brotherly sport!

2) You must see a bullfight, preferably during the running of the bulls in Pamplona (July 6-14 every year). No matter what you may think about the cruelty inflicted on these animals, a bull that is bred for fighting lives a much more dignified life that his brothers which are living in confinement soon to appear in a McDonald’s Big Mac near you. And their death is 100 times more honorable. They die in battle with a fighting chance at survival, not in a slaughter house. If you’ve ever seen an elderly, ex-marine wasting away to death in a hospital bed under sterile, passionless surroundings like I have— succumbing to an invisible disease he cannot fight— you can look in his eyes and just know that he’d rather be a bull.

3) You must see a beautiful Spanish girl dance Flamenco properly. I don’t mean the Flamenco shows they throw for the tourists. I mean the dances they share with their closest friends, lovers and family members. Try not to make a fool of yourself by appearing completely enamored, although you very well may be.

4) You must experience the midnight sun in Northern Europe during midsummer. It’s just a pretty cool thing to be partying at 2am with the sun shining brightly in the sky. It just keeps you wired and shocks your body out of its normal sleep wake cycle, so that you can party longer and harder. It’s rumored to have the same effect on that mighty hammer in your pocket. Thor be praised!

5) You have go to a nude beach, preferably somewhere in the Greek Islands. By the way, “pointing” at the women is bad manners. Oh, and make sure you’re not on the gay beach, dumbass!

6) As far as I am concerned, you have not lived, unless you have fallen in love or at least in lustful infatuation with a Spanish girl who you hardly know in a Valencian or Andalucian orange grove or a park somewhere in Madrid.

7) You have got to check out a coffee shop in Holland, just to say you’ve been there. You don’t have to smoke. Just respiring in one of these places will give you a buzz.

8) You must go to a titty bar in Montreal, Las Vegas or New York. At the very least, you’ll be able to tell you buddies exactly where you want your bachelor party to be held.

9) You must take a spontaneous midnight swim with a beautiful woman in the waters off the shores in Hawaii, the Bahamas or the Greek Islands. Hopefully, you won’t need your bathing suits.

10)You have to experience a spontaneous “one night” stand at least once in your life. Don’t be stupid about it, be careful with your Johnson and make sure your partner doesn’t have one!

11)You have to get a haircut and buy some clothes in a country like Spain, France or Italy where they take looking good very seriously.

12)You have to have a traditional thermal bath in Hungary or a traditional Japanese bath in Tokyo. No bubble making in the tub, prease. Sank you!

13)You must check out an American spring break in one of the more popular student destinations. I’m such a big fan of this season that I always take at least a two week vacation in March, even now that I’m out of school and check out a spring break hot spot.

14)You must go to Carnival in Rio at least once, or if you can’t make that Marti Gras in New Orleans is a very distant second. It’s like nothing else you have ever seen— naked women, people having sex in the street with naked women, partying and drunkenness all night every night. It’s unbelievable.

15)You have got to experience the Olympic Games once in your life. It’s the greatest celebration of sport the world has ever known despite the injection of ridiculous “sports” like beach volleyball, rhythmic gymnastics, short track speed skating and aerial ski jumping which lack the nobility and stature of sports like track and field, weightlifting, boxing and wrestling. The four greatest titles in all of sport are the World’s Fastest Man, the World’s strongest man, the World’s Greatest Athlete and Heavy Weight Champion of the World. They are the kings of the earth. The rest are just princes and paupers. If you can’t be one of them, at least try to meet one during your lifetime.

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