The Netherlands


They should put up a big sign at the border to the Netherlands saying “Thou hast entered the land of the giants.” Damn, these people are tall! In fact, according to European census data, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world. You may go there looking for bush, but you’ll feel like you’ve just walked into a forest when you enter a bar in this country. My neck hurt from looking up so much. But then again, most of the breasts on these Dutch girls are about eye level for me, so I wasn’t complaining. And knowing that I have a particular fetish for tall women, one can understand why this is one of my favorite places in the entire world to work the locals. My friends think I like tall women, because I have a subconscious wish to procreate with someone who can bare me large, all-pro linebacker for sons. Who says size doesn’t matter! In my opinion, Holland is “the Spain of Northern Europe”. And as long as the girls here don’t break you in half while runkling, you’ll have a great time. Yes, there are some damn fine women here. That tall, blonde, blue-eyed goddess you were hoping to find in Sweden, is much more likely to be found here in Holland than in any country further north. When you visit, you’ll find that your shoes won’t be the only thing made of wood, Dutchboy!

One of the best things about Dutch girls is that often times they “go Dutch”. That means that they expect to pay for stuff, when they go out with you. Being used to American girls (who now seem spoiled to me), I was totally embarrassed the first few times the girls I was out with insisted on paying the bill. But I soon realized that there are few things cooler than going out with beautiful women— eating, drinking and hooking up without dropping a dime. Now, I can definitely get used to that. The other cool thing about this place is that the Dutch (like the Spanish) usually kiss, if they are introduced to a member of the opposite sex. Just follow the directions for the Spanish style greeting and add one kiss at the end to the right cheek. (The French also kiss this way.) Traditionally when they are introduced to a stranger who also happens to be from a foreign country, they will add a fourth kiss, but on the lips rather than the left cheek. Now, that’s something else that I could definitely get used to.

Try not to get distracted by all the Americans, Ausi’s and Brits smoking marijuana in anyone of the over 3,000 “coffee shops” in Amsterdam and other parts of Holland, where casual use of this drug has been decriminalized. Their schedule tends to be smoke, sleep, smoke, sleep, smoke, get mugged (because they’re too wrecked to be careful on the way back to the youth hostel), call home to have their parents wire them money, smoke, sleep, smoke, etc. Notice there is no portion of their day devoted to getting runkled. But if you are going to smoke in Holland, and I know most of you are going to do so anyway, despite my telling you that it’s stupid, do it right and light up at the Grasshopper located on Brugstraat. Think of it as Amsterdam’s “Starship Enterprise”, a place where you can explore new worlds and states of dopiness. Me, I’ll go explore elsewhere and set my phaser on “runkle”! Those of you who may be interested harder drugs like ecstasy (a favorite among Americans) and opium (a favorite among Asians) will want to know that these drugs can also be purchased at certain clubs that give new meaning to the term “flying Dutchman”. You can also buy them on the street, but it’s much more dangerous and highly illegal. Being a physician, I’ve seen what drug abuse can do to a person. I highly discourage you from doing these harder drugs. It’s just not healthy. Occasional alcohol and marijuana use are bad enough. You don’t need to experiment with something that will make you even dumber than you probably already are!

One risk when using harder drugs is that you will hook up with some nasty-looking girl and catch some unwanted disease. (Is there really such a thing as a “wanted disease”?) Another risk is that you’ll get so high that you can’t figure out how to get back to where you’re staying, wander into the wrong neighborhoods and get the shit beat out of you and your money stolen. I’ve even heard of a few dumb ass Americans, Ausi’s and Brits getting rocked, wandering into the wrong part of town and being gang raped by guys with Dutch-boy haircuts wearing gay biker attire. I won’t say anything more. It’s probably more fun to watch some girl get boned by a well-hung Viking in the Red Light District than to actually experience it for yourself. At times you may get lucky when malingering in Amsterdam’s drug scene. Some beautiful chick who would never hook up with you otherwise might do so, mainly because her sense of aesthetics, morals or concern over catching some disease are numbed while under the influence of her drug of choice. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get a girl to smoke your bong! But if this is the only way you can get runkled, I say you’re pathetic.

Everybody has heard of the red-light district in Amsterdam centered on Zeedijik— the supposed sex capital of the world. Therein lie tons of sex shops, live XXX-rated performance theaters (who welcome audience participation), whore houses, pushers, clubs with names like “The Pink Pussy Cat” and a lot of shady characters, including Bahamians, Jamaicans, LA gang bangers, Italian Cosa Nostra and Russian Mafia types who are here to buy and sell illegal goods and services. Not only is Amsterdam’s Red Light District the sex capital of the world, but it’s the world’s largest market for illegal contraband. You can buy or sell anything, and I mean anything, if you have the right connections. Keep in mind also that the Red Light District can be as dangerous as Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, especially at night. Use your head, go out with a big group and be careful with your money, credit cards and travelers checks.

In my opinion no one should ever have to pay for sex, no matter what the circumstances. That means I don’t do prostitutes, “masseurs” or “escorts”. But if you are going to take part in supporting the world’s oldest profession, this is one of the three best places in the world to do it, the others being Las Vegas, Nevada and Honolulu, Hawaii. The prostitutes here even have their own union, the “Red Thread”. (Why not rename it something like the “Red Button”?) Here is the scoop: there are women who rent window space in the buildings of the Red Light District and sit there in lingerie, beckoning the men on the street to come in and sample their wares. The going price is 50 guilders (about $30US) for 15 minutes. The rents are much higher at night, so the women who work the swing shift tend to be much better looking than those who work here during the day, since only the really beautiful ones can make enough to cover their overhead and earn a profit while working at night. These windows blow away anything Bill Grates could of thought up. This is Windows 69, baby! If you don’t want to catch Dutch-elm disease or some equally exotic fungus your doctor’s never heard of, you can just check out the sex shops and live shows in the Red Light District, just for a look see. If window shopping for sex is not your style, you can get an escort. Escorts tend to be younger, better looking, safer, college-educated and much more expensive. But you can have a decent conversation with a beautiful woman over dinner and get runkled. It’s all included in the price! It’s a great way to get your motivation up for when you scam on the bounty of YP in Amsterdam you don’t have to pay for.

I guarantee that you will not be disappointed when visiting Amsterdam, if you head out of the tourist areas of town so typically mobbed by foreigners, and seek out the local booty in their native habitat. In fact the only touristy thing you have to do when in Amsterdam is visit the Sex Museum on the Damrak. It’s absolutely a must-see, and the only museum in the world I recommend visiting for purely educational purposes. This place puts the “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not” exhibit to shame. During the day, the malls and stores are centered around Kalverstraat and the surrounding streets off of main square on Damrak are great places to scam on chicks. Be sure to check out Vondel Park also. The University of Amsterdam is conveniently located just outside the Red Light District. To the southwest of the city by Olympic stadium is another university. Dansen Bij Jansen on Handboogstraat and Cafe Gallery Dante on Spuistraat are popular places to meet some of Amsterdam’s finest university YP.

The best places to go early evening are the various bars and cafes on the side streets off of Rembrandtplein, Jordaan and Leidseplein. Early night check out the Melkwey on Lijnbaansgracht, Cafe de Koe on Marnixstraat, Cafe Luxembourg on Spuistraat, Van Puffelen on Prinsengracht, Cafe Twee Prinsen on Prisentraat and Cafe du Lac on Haarlemmerstraat. Late night, the best places to go include the Roxy and Odeon on Singel, Escape on Rembrandtplein, Mazzo on Rozengracht and Paradiso on Weteringschans. (On word on proper etiquette: in Amsterdam, as in the rest of Holland, it is traditional to tip the doorman on your way out of the more popular discotecs, if you ever want to get in again.) There is of course a myriad of foreign booty visiting Amsterdam at any one time. You can meet them just about anywhere— in the youth hostels, the coffee houses in the streets of Amsterdam and in bars like the Arena on ‘s-Gravesandestraat and Amnesia on Oudezijds Voorburgwal, two popular bars for the summer back packers. There are bars in many of the hostels throughout the city, so finding a party is never a problem.

God Damn Factor 9.0

Previous articleFinland and Iceland
Next articleRotterdam