Russia

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This section is especially for all of you loser PB’s out there. Absolutely positively anyone from a non-third world country who is not disgustingly ugly, not a complete moron and not dirt poor can hook up in Russia. In fact the only thing you have to be to hook up in Russia, is not from Russia. The hope that you will whisk them away somewhere West or at least be able to support their party habit even for the little while you are visiting this country may very well be more than enough to hook up here. The fall of communism has left this country in financial and social ruin. The Russian Mafia monopolizes what little wealth there is available to the common people. Families are often desperate for lack of resources and professional opportunities. And young girls dream of one day going to the West and having the kind of life they see on Baywatch reruns that have been dubbed over in Russian.

If you don’t have any moral character or conscious, Moscow is incredible. I went to visit a friend I knew from Harvard who was working there after college for a few years, and I found the place to be absolutely crazy. The only analogy I can think of would be the Wild West. Basically, there is no law in Moscow. The Russian people just do whatever they want. Alcohol and hard drugs are in mega-abundant supply, and the Russian Mafiosos will literally kill businessmen or anyone else who infringe on their “economic” territories. People actually cross the street to avoid walking by BMW’s and Mercedes’ because of the likelihood that the Mafia type who owns it is going to be shot at or car bombed. Violence not with standing, for PB’s from the West, it is unequivocally one of the greatest places in the world to be. Russian women literally throw themselves at all the expats who are living or visiting here.

The craziest bar in Moscow is called the Hungry Duck* * *, formerly known as the Thirsty Duck, but the old name was deemed to be in violation of Russia’s new anti-alcoholism laws. (That was a joke.) The place is owned by a couple of American and Canadian guys who couldn’t get runkled in their own countries so they came here. They are basically the kings of expat nightlife in this city. It’s difficult to get a drink in this place because of all the people dancing on the bar. However, you can climb out of the windows onto the balcony to make out with your new Russian girlfriend. There are crazy Mafioso bars like the *** that has a live leopard tied to a tree in front. Make sure you bring enough rubles and don’t piss anybody off. Other choices include Manhattan Express in the Hotel Rossiya on Kitai Gorod, Pepela on Arbat, the Irish Bar or the Sports Bar on Novy Arbat and Club 011 on Sadovaya/KudKudrinskaya. Don’t worry, if you are at all shy. The Russian women will come to you.

You almost have to know someone or speak Russian to come here, as when visiting the Asian countries. However unlike Asia, everyone here will try to rip you off, if they think you aren’t Russian. And believe me, they can tell if you are or not. During the day stick close to your Russian-speaking friend and check out the shopping districts (If you can call them that) which center on Novy Arbat and Tverskaya. Don’t venture out of the city center, as the police may recognize you as a foreigner and hold you for questioning. Avoid as many of the tourist traps as you possibly can. And keep an eye on who may be watching you.

God Damn Factor 8.5

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