Miami, Florida USA


Florida is the beachiest state in the union. In addition to being the only state with beaches on its Southern, Eastern and Western borders, Florida also has its own islands in the form of the Florida Keys. Outside of spring break, Miami, Tampa/Orlando, West Palm Beach and Ft. Lauderdale are the only places to be, besides the university towns. The Cubans, Central Americans and South Americans run South Florida. This is where you go when you want a taste of Latin America without leaving the US and without contracting e. coli from the local water supply. You will find the women here are as they are in their native countries—hot, well-dressed and fiery.

The places to be in Miami are Coconut Grove on the main land and South Beach on the peninsula to the east of the mainland. This place really picks up in January and February which is when the South Americans have summer holiday. (Remember, South of the equator, the seasons are reversed from those in the Northern Hemisphere.) It doesn’t slow down until May or so when people retreat to Europe or South America to escape Miami’s heat and humidity. Coconut Grove is where the more normal, less-pretentious, collegiate types hang out although there are plenty of Latinas out and about on any given night. Downtown Coconut Grove is a collection of shops, bars and clubs that totally kicks ass as far as the quality of booty is concerned. The University of Miami is right down the road and keeps the bars stocked with plenty of YP, and all of the bars and clubs are within walking distance, so bar hopping is easy.  Hooters, Planet Hollywood, Senior Frogs and Monty’s are all excellent.

One evening, I saw an elderly man playing Spanish guitar atop Coco Walk. A Cuban senorita, muy bonita who was about 16 years old, decided she was going to dance for the gathering crowd, and dance she did. God damn, that girl could raise the dead! Well the old musician started to forget some of the words to his own songs. Then he fumbled some of the chords. Then he stopped all together saying that he was having chest pain and that he felt like he was going to pass out! I went over to see if he was all right and politely asked the girl if she could hold off the dancing, until we got back to my buddy’s condo on South Beach.

South Beach is a bizarre place if you aren’t used to the Euro-fag scene. If you didn’t grow up playing with Barbie dolls, and never had any desire what-so-ever to design women’s dresses you may feel very out of place. Thanks to the modeling industry, there are a lot of hot women here. Practically every major modeling agency has an office on Ocean Drive. Unlike other big model industry cities like New York, Paris or Milan, Miami’s modeling scene is small and accessible to the bold and daring PB. You wjU see beautiful models walking around in the streets, working in the boutiques or whatever. They tend to be young, since most female models are often discovered in their mid-teens and wind up their careers in their early twenties. On the weekends, girls will come to South Beach from all over Miami to party. Chili Pepper, Cameo, Bash, Surf Comber and Groove Jet are my favorites. Unfortunately, South Beach can be as pretentious a place as LA, New York or even Paris. Try getting into a club here, if you aren’t dressed the part, if you’re not accompanied by a hot chick or if you’re not with someone the doorman knows. The best titty bar is actually in North Miami Beach and its galled Stolid Gold. Here, it isn’t just the gold that’s solid!

Want to impress the hottie you are with?  Take her to the Delano Hotel.  It is pretentious and overpriced, but she will love the elaborate decorations and ambiance.  The Shore Club and the Raleigh are the 2nd and 3rd best places to secure the runkle.  The best restaurants in SoBe are Nemo’s, Joes Crab House, Smith and Wellinsky’s, Nobu and Opa.  Sundays at Nicki Beach used to be legendary.  They are still good.  It’s a club right on the beach on the south part of the island.

Troll the beach more towards the southern part of SoBe to meet the girls from the city of Miami, who are out there to catch a tan on the weekends.  The famous Ocean Drive is totally touristy.  From 5th and Ocean to 12th and Ocean are full of cheesy bars and overpriced restaurants.  You may see the ocassional hot tourist chick here, but in general the booty is better on Lincoln Road.  Lincoln Road is a pedestrian walking street going east/west a little bit north of Ocean Drive on South Beach.  Here is where the hot local girls are.  Local shops, bars and restaurants abound.   Sushi Samba on Lincoln Road is one of my fav places for the local girls.

God Damn Factor 9.5