Madrid, Spain

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Now I’m the kind of guy who likes to save the best for last, but in this case, I’ll make an exception. Spain is hands down (and Johnsons up!) one of the best countries for women in the entire world. Spanish women are beautiful, and every city in this country is full of them. Madrid, Seville and Barcelona rock from autumn ’til spring, and the beaches of Ibiza and the Costa del Sol are crazy in the summertime. Each one of these places has its own personality and is very different. Thankfully, the one thing they have in common is being home to some damn, fine chicas. Some things to keep in mind: Life is different here. The Spanish think of work as something they have to do to make money, so that they can have fun when they’re not working. When they get a pay raise, they cut back on their hours, so that they can have more time to enjoy themselves. Now that’s a work ethic I can relate to!

Keep in mind also that appearances are extremely important to the Spanish. You have got to look your best to do well here. That means for all you backpacking PB’s, do some laundry before exploring the nightlife. Ditch the baseball cap and the Nike’s, and wear long pants and decent shoes. Trust me on this one. This ain’t Seattle, Grunge boy! Your efforts will be well worth it. The Spanish are definitely not shy about public displays of affection. Take a walk through Retiro Park, Madrid on a warm Saturday afternoon in the springtime. You can’t walk ten feet without stepping on some Spanish couple making out hot and heavy with the men never “releasing their hostages” on the park grounds. Some of these couples stay there and make out for hours and hours. Muchas pelotas azules [blue balls]. Aycaramba) Spanish girls are not the easiest girls to rankle. Traditionally, they are very strictly Catholic, but the attitudes towards sex are changing, slowly.

Spain like some other European countries has an awesome tradition which other places, like the US, Australia and Asia, don’t. Members of the opposite sex kiss each other when they meet. This is a good thing, a very good thing. So while in Spain, so as not to seem like an idiot, the way you carry out a proper Spanish kiss is as follows: kiss her right cheek and then her left at such an angle that she can kiss you too. Make it seem familiar and natural to you, and whatever you do, don’t pop a stiffy. This is bad form, very bad form. Plus, it’ll take the pleats right out of your newly pressed pantalones. When I asked a Spanish girl why the Spanish kiss each cheek, she said to me, “That’s so one cheek won’t be jealous of the other!” A perfect answer, if I ever heard one. I felt like asking her, if her breasts were jealous that I’d kissed her cheeks. As is obvious with this example, the Spanish don’t ignore their sexuality, they celebrate it. The rest of the world can learn an important lesson from them.

Madrid is unbelievable. It’s a great party town. The people here just don’t sleep. It’s like R.E.M. stands for “Runkle Every Muchacha you can”. So while you’re here do as the locals do and stay up. You can sleep when you’re dead. This city reminds me of New York, but with better-looking women. It’s big, there’s loads of fun to be had and the “city never sleeps”. Unfortunately, some of the residents also have the attitude of New Yorkers. But with some effort on your part to be friendly, avoid seeming like an undesirable foreign tourist and trying out your high school Spanish, you’re going to have a blast with the babes. Oddly enough, the one phrase I remember from high school, “Donde es la biblioteca, abuelaV [Where is the library, grandma?], never did get me runkled.

A typical weekday for the residents of Madrid consists of getting up late, going to work or school, eating lunch, taking a siesta (very necessary in the summertime to avoid the scorching daytime heat), going back to work or school, then out for tapas (small dishes of food served at bars), then dinner, then out to the bars until around 2am. From Thursday ’til Sunday the schedule is slightly modified. They’ll take a nap after dinner, hit the bars around 12am and the discos around 3 am and then possibly after hours clubs. That’s right. I said 3am! If they have to work the next day, they’ll often just go straight from the clubs to work. This explains why the women who ride the subways in the morning oftentimes look like they just stepped off the pages of Vogue or Cosmo.

If you’re actually awake during the day, check out Retiro Park, Puerta del Sol, Plaza de Santa Anna, Plaza Mayor, Placio Real and the Prado Museum, which like the Louvre in Paris is packed with hot tourist booty, mostly from the US and Australia. Alternatively head to the shopping districts around the Calle Princesa and the Gran Via where you’ll find the honeys shopping for even hotter outfits. Don’t forget the local YP at the University of Madrid in and around Arguelles and Moncloa. Higher education never looked so good! The best places to go early evening are the streets off of the Plaza Mayor (especially Cuchilleros Street for its famed cave bars, which are cheap, cool and fun), Puerta del Sol and Plaza San Martin. The students hang out in the cheaper bars by the university, especially in Arguelles, Malasana, Chueca and Bilboa. Later on head to the many bars and clubs in Malasaria, Huertas and Salamanca Districts. The names and decor change year to year, so just follow the noise or ask the locals. Try Revolver on Calle Galileo, Parador de la Moncloa on Calle Isaac Peral, Autores on Calle Campoamorum, Mykonos on Principe and Cerveceria Ratskeller, if you don’t know where to start.

The discos are where everyone goes late night, or more appropriately early morning. They are among the best in the entire world, as far as the quantity and quality of the babes is concerned. Don’t show up before 2am or you will be alone to pass the time sipping on $12US drinks. The best of the best is Joy Eslava on Calle Arenal, Archy on Calle Marques de Riscal and Club Andy Warhol’s on Calle Luchana. Katmandu on Senores de Luzan, Aqualung on Paseo de la Ermita del Santa, Villa Rosa in Plaza de Santa Anna, Theatro Kapital on Calle Atocha and Morocco on Calle Marques de Leganes are all close runner-ups. If you have a car or have access to one, check out Megacity, a huge club, which is actually outside the city limits on Centro Comercial Parque Corredor, and draws an enormous amount of people on the weekends. [Invite edits]

Unlike other cities in Europe, it is better to stay at a hotel rather than a hostel, unless you are planning to hit on other chicks who are traveling. The hotels here are generally inexpensive, and you will definitely get more for your money and a little privacy to hook up with some Spanish booty. Hotels anywhere around the Plaza Mayor or the • Puerta del Sol will put you right in the middle of the action. You can’t go wrong visiting this country no matter what time of year it is, but things slow down just a tad in the summer months.

God Damn Factor 9.5

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