Honolulu, Hawaii USA


Let me just write something quick about Hawaii, since there are a lot of you who will consider coming here for a visit. Yes, it is a gorgeous island with beaches better than anywhere in the world (except, Waikiki, which sucks), but so what? If you are looking for women (and of course you are), this is not the place. All of the Asian business men and US military personnel have doomed the bars and clubs in Honolulu to an absolutely horrible ratio. In fact, the only good-looking women here seem to be the prostitutes and the girlfriends of the surfer punks who come here to the North side of the island for the best surfing in the world. The fat, pale tourists from the mainland US, the skinny, pale tourists from Asia and the fat, dark-skinned, native Hawaiians are all that’s available.

I never could quite figure out whether prostitution was legal here or just tolerated, but there is a perfect environment for it. Lots of rich, business men and military types who have been away at sea for months on a boat full of other men, who’ve all been recently paid and are horny as hell. It’s expensive to live in Hawaii ($8US for a box of Corn Flakes), so the prostitutes here have to make enough money to cover living expenses. Consequently, Hawaii has some of the most beautiful prostitutes in the entire world. But like I keep saying, don’t do it man. It’s risky, it’s expensive and you just shouldn’t have to pay for something you should be able to get for free. Dukes on Kalakaua Avenue every Sunday afternoon is the only place where you have any chance of hooking up (for free) in Honolulu. This bar has been here forever and will be there until the whole damn island sinks or blows up, whatever comes first. Other hangouts can be found on the corners of Kalakaua and Kapiolani Ave by Waikiki or on Bishop by the US military installation. Try the Wave on Kalakaua, the Pink Cadillac on Ena and if all else fails, there’s a Hooters on Bishop. Head to the University of Hawaii during the day from September to May for a taste of Asia without leaving the United States.

Luckily while I was there I met a beautiful, English girl at the youth hostel. (Yes, I said beautiful English girl.) She was doing a bit of traveling of her own. We hung out at Dukes one night. Then we took a drive out to the North side of the Island around 2am. The beach was deserted, the water was warm and the only light came from the moon. As the she was trying to decide whether or not she was going to go for a swim in her birthday suit, I made the move and dropped trough. She said, “Gee, I’ve never seen an American willie before.” (I hope she wasn’t disappointed.) And she came in with me. Soon after, I came in her.

Things are better for the wandering PB on other islands of Hawaii, like Maui, Kauai or the “Big Island” of Hawaii. I think Maui would be the best of the three, since there are so many people who come here for vacation each year. There you will hopefully find pale, not so fat American tourist scamper year round. They are invariably on package vacations and staying at one of the many resorts on this island.

God Damn Factor 6.5