A friend of mine once met a German girl at a party. She was mediocre looking in the face, but had enormous breasts and loved wearing cutoff shirts and jeans to show off her body and torture all the boys. Trying to mask the fact that he was staring at her top half, my buddy complemented her on her abs (which were as rock hard as his Johnson by this point), and asked her how she kept in such good shape. She answered him in a Susy Swartzenegger kind of voice and said, “I have lots of sex.” The moral of the story is that German girls aren’t too shy if they really like you, but unfortunately, they’re not as pretty on average as the girls of neighboring countries. PB’s who come to Germany in search of their very own Katarina Witt may be a bit disappointed. Your best bet is to stick to the very North or the very South of Germany. In the North a lot of the women tend to look very Scandinavian. In the South the women tend to look very French and Italian. It makes for some interesting combinations, and at times some beautiful women.

Germans tend to be very practical, conservative and unemotional people, except about politics and religion. Hilter, Marx, and Martin Luther were all German after all. They also generally don’t speak English really well, unless they have been abroad. Do your best to communicate, and avoid pissing off the neo-Nazi’s you may run into. Nazism has technically been outlawed in Germany, but apparently someone forgot to tell some of these Arian types. But despite this, Germany is worth a visit, if only to drink beer, which you may need to do before hitting on some of the Germans girls. Drinking is something the Germans do well— oftentimes rivaling the drinking prowess of the Irish. Like everything else, the Germans take their drinking seriously and have strict beer purity laws called the Reinheitsgetbot which dictate stringent criteria for the brewing process of all beer sold in the country. These laws are so stringent that beer is considered a food source in Germany, and German doctors are allowed to prescribe beer to hospitalized patients as part of their diet.

Unlike drinking– eating and sleeping are often not cheap anywhere in this country compared to other parts of Europe. The best food for the money in Germany is Turkish. There is a significant population of Turkish immigrants here who are very often resented by the staunch German people and especially hated by the neo-Nazi’s I told you weren’t supposed to exist. So if you are a darkie like me, be careful where you go in certain parts of this country. Needless to say there was a ton of modern day history made in Germany. With all that history comes residual bitterness both by the Germans towards foreigners and visa versa, especially in the big cities. If you are feeling adventurous and want to venture outside of the big cities, check out the Cheimese region, the Romantic Road, the Bavarian Alps and the Danube Valley. They are all great places to visit for a day or two with a woman you may have met while traveling throughout Europe.

There is a strong US military presence in Germany due to the treaties signed at the end of WWII, which empowered the US government to maintain several military bases in strategic points within Germany. So if you are visiting Germany for any length of time, you are likely to run into some of these boys— more likely than not, when they’re out drunk and causing trouble. It’s good to get to know some of these guys, especially if you ever find yourself in a scrape and need some reliable back up. Unfortunately, a lot of the US soldiers fall easy prey to German girls who are interested in a one way ticket to the America— something they’re entitled to with marriage to a US citizen. Do a guy a favor if he’s contemplating popping the question to a local and talk him out of it.

Berlin is a huge party town, since there are very liberal laws here governing the hours which bars and clubs can stay open, low taxes on alcohol and mild penalties for public drunkenness. (Anyone who has been drunk on the beach in Ocean County, New Jersey and been harassed by the cops there will appreciate this.) These laws are remnants of communist occupation of East Berlin, prior to 1989 and the fall of the Berlin Wall, during which time West German officials tried to provide incentive for its citizens to take up residence in West Berlin. Needless to say those liberal incentives attracted generations of young Germans to this city, a phenomenon which continues to this day. And now that the great experiment called “communism” is over and everybody’s friends again (sort of) the partying is better than ever— that is if you’re into hanging out with Germans in their communes getting rocked on Becks and Jagermeister. West and East Berlin still maintain some of their original personality despite the fall of the Berlin Wall. West Berlin tends to be trendier, more expensive and westernized. East Berlin is earthier, more dangerous and usually cheaper.

The place to be during the day to babe watch is Kurfurstendamm Boulevard in the Charlottenburg District in West Berlin. During the evening the adjacent Savignyplatz and Kreuzberg districts, especially in and around Oranienstrabe and Gneisenaustrabe is where you will find the best booty. If you love the type of chicks who are into expresso coffee, ecstasy and body piercing then the Mitte district in East Berlin is the place for you. Techno is big here and the clubs play it all weekend, every weekend. Head to Tresor on Leipziger Strabe, E-Werk on Wilhelmstrabe, Delicious Doughnuts Research on Rosenthalerstrabe, Tacheles on Oranienburgerstrabe and Bunker on the corner of Albrechtstrabe and Rienhardstrabe. Bunker is my favorite of the bunch mostly since once a month they have these ‘Tetish and fantasy” parties. Therein lie girls (and some people who just look like girls) dressed in leather and skin. But be careful. You should dress in leather and latex. Ex-Kreuz just next door has fetish parties every Saturday by invite. Arrive early with money to bribe the bouncer or bring a beautiful woman out with you, if you expect to get in to this party. In my opinion, West Berlin is a better place to be for the honeys. Head to the Irish Harp Pub on Giesebrechtstrabe and Metropol on Nollendorfplatz in Charlottenburg to find the Claudia Schiffer look-alike you’ve always wanted. Metropol is great on the weekends. If you can’t find any worthy patrons, try your luck with some of the caged, half-naked female dancers. (They’re usually foreign.) If you are really stuck for a place to hang out, there are two magazines sold in most newsstands called Zitty and Tip, which publish a detailed calendar of events.

God Damn Factor 7.5