England

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The best thing about English women is their accent. There are few things sexier in this world than the voice of beautiful woman speaking to you with a classic English accent. This alone can make a mediocre looking English girl seem very beautiful. But if you are like most men, you’ll find some women here attractive, but most you won’t. If you don’t believe me consider this: there are a lot of girls from countries like Germany, who love coming here, because they get a lot of attention from English men. The same happens to be true of Scotland and Ireland. Not a good sign for the PB in search of beautiful women. Luckily, London is like Paris, Rome and Amsterdam in that there are tons of backpackers visiting here during the summer months, so it’s sure to be full of some beautiful, foreign women here doing some traveling of their own from June through August. She may not have showered or douched for a month, but if you’re desperate enough… London is also a very international city as opposed to the rest of England, so you will run into some beautiful, Spanish, Italians, Scandinavians and other Europeans at any given time, even outside the summer months since London is a popular place to attend university or to work. But keep in mind that the foreigners who live here tend to be cliquey and keep to themselves. You just have to try harder to meet them.

I have a problem scamming on some English girls, because I absolutely, positively, cannot stand women who sport big-ass tattoos, color their hair florescent hues and/or have extensive body piercing. There are plenty of women here with all of the above, since the punk culture thrives in England. If you’re into that sort of thing, you’ll feel right at home. Personally I can’t stand it. The only thing more tragic than making a beautiful girl into an ugly one in this manner is making an ugly one even more ugly. Like Amsterdam, there are a lot of drugs here, mainly associated with the music scene, which is extensive. Again if you’re into that sort of thing, you’ll be stoked.

The English social life during the week centers around “the pub” which tends to contain of a bunch of guys sitting around drinking “proper beer”, which just means it’s brown, bitter and tastes like booty. I’ve done a lot of hanging out and drinking with my buddies. If you’ve ever seen the girls at Harvard and Johns Hopkins, you’d know why. I do enjoy drinking with the boys. But I don’t see the point of doing this day after day, if there are never any women around. But the English don’t seem to feel the same way. What’s even worse is that pubs close early, usually around 11:00pm. Hell, no one even showers and gets dressed to go out in Madrid for another 3 hours! Well, at least these pubs generally have good drunk food, if they don’t have much to goggle at when you are drunk and hungry for something more. The social life on the weekend thrives in the dance clubs. English clubbers chose where they’ll go to party based on what music will be played or what DJ will be there. The English take their music very seriously and often times decide whether or not they want to hang out with you based on your preferred choice of tunes. So agree with her, dumbass! Personally, I go where the crowd is to my liking regardless of what music is playing, meaning donde las chicas son masfinas, baby!

England used to rule over much of the earth and by some of their attitudes they still consider Americans and other former taxpayers their subjects. So don’t say to a proud English girl, “Gee, it’s too bad about India and Hong Kong”, if you want to get runkled. Oh, and a few more helpful hints: Don’t make fun of the Royal Family, tea time or cricket. Don’t complain about English cuisine. Don’t accidentally say “soccer” instead of “football”, and don’t wear a “Kiss Me. I’m Irish” button unless you’re sure she’s

actually going to think it’s funny. But don’t feel bad if you don’t seem to be making any friends in this country. The English don’t like anybody. That’s why it’s absolutely hilarious that God and history saw it fit that France be England’s closest European neighbor. Even better, there is something called the “chunnel” which connects the two loving countries via hundred of miles of mass transportation systems. At least it provides an easy, convenient way of getting to the continent and back if you need to.

One of the redeeming qualities of England is that they have cigars— Cuban cigars, that is. So feel free to show your support for the last communist regime in the Western Hemisphere and light up a real stogie, while you’re hanging in that pub in SoHo. If you are going to check out a sporting event in England, make it a football game (a.k.a. soccer). The best place to do it is at Wembley in London. This is where the sport was invented, and they take it as seriously as they take their music and pub drinking. The only places in the world where there is more energy at a sporting event is in Australia, Latin and South America. The best places to go and hang out during the day are Tottenham Court, Oxford Circus, Picadilly Circus, Leicester Square, Kensington and Covenant Garden, where there are plenty of girls shopping, girls drinking tea in cafes and girls dining in side-street restaurants. The largest university scene in is Bloomsbury. Again as in other big cities in Europe during the summertime, the big, cheesy tourist destinations like Big Ben, Westminster Abby and Buckingham Palace will be filled with foreign chicks who are traveling around like you are and checking out the sights. Check them out also, if only to meet some good-looking girls to hook up with later. This city is so big that you are bound to run into foreign chicks traveling in London just about everywhere there are Asians taking photographs.

Everybody hooks up with people to hang out with and chicas to runkle at the multitude of youth hostels in this city— much like in Amsterdam. If you can’t find a hostel with vacancies, there are more than enough “bed and breakfast” places to crash and grab free chow in the morning. If you are really desperate, I’m sure you could find a “booty, bed and breakfast” in this town, but I hear the prices are much higher. In the evening the Soho district on is where to grab a pint, although often the pubs here are helmetfests. You may feel as though you are drinking in a men’s bathroom. Where are the girls? Alternatively, head to Picadilly Circus or Camden Town, which are just packed with, places to hang out. Late on the weekends you can head to Leicester Square, Kings Cross or stay in Picadilly and Camden Town to go clubbing. This is the best London has to offer. The best pub in all of London is The Worlds End on Camden High Street. If you don’t like the pub, there’s a club underneath called the Underworld that is generally pretty cool. Other choices include the Dog and Duck on Bateman Street in Soho, the O’Bar on Wardour in Picadilly and the King’s Head on Hogarth Place in Earl’s Court. A few of my favorite clubs in London include Malibu Stacey (not Barbie) on Hanover Street, Goods Way Depot off of York Way, Promised Land ’97 on West Central Street and Fridays R Firin’ on Oxford Street. Head to the Hippodrome on Charing Cross Road, the Limelight on Shaftsbury Ave or the Church and the Backpacker, both on York Way, if you are into head-bonking English girls. If you are a little older and like to dress well while drinking your bitter beer and scamming on the English girls, head to Twice as Nice on Nine Elms Lane.

There are a lot of “parties” in London. Meaning that a promoter will rent out a space in a club or a warehouse, decorate it and have a theme party, feature a certain DJ or type of music in hopes of attracting a particular type of clientele (the type that will spend lots of cash in his club). There are promoters everywhere giving out fliers advertising for these parties. Read about them in London’s Time Out to obtain needed information. You occasionally have to dress well to get into these parties, know someone or else bring the women you met in the hostel. There is more attitude in a lot of these places than they know what to do with. But it’s debatable as to whether or not any of it is at all deserved, as it may be in Madrid, New York or LA. Like I said before, the English take their music seriously. And no where is the music more important to the English than at a rave party. This is the city where the entire concept of “rave” was invented. If you find yourself in London and you hear there is one being held, definitely check it out, if for nothing else to say that you have been there. Even if you aren’t into drugs, deafening music or dead beat chicks, sometimes the pure entertainment value of attending one of these parties is worth the trip outside the city limits, where the raves are usually held.

If you get sick of London and find yourself with time to spare in this country, head to Cambridge or Oxford for some English YP. But remember, that’s kind of like heading to Harvard or Yale to look for beautiful women. So do what all the PB’s do at these schools and drink until they look good. If at Oxford during the school year, check out King’s Arm Pub and Turfs. If you are really an alternative young man traveling abroad, then you may want to check out Liverpool, the birthplace of the Beetles and some say music as we know it today. If you’re into punk, this is the place. Keep in mind that the English are like the Scandinavians in that they are generally a hell of a lot more fun once they leave their often rainy, freezing country for summer holiday. Southern Portugal, the Canary Islands off the coast of Spain and the Greek Islands are popular vacation spots for the English. Something to consider when planning your itinerary.

God Damn Factor 7.0

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